after completely stuffing myself with disgusting fast food i've decided to curl up on my bed and watch a little 30 rock. i think i can feel my heart working harder after all that icky stuff.... but it sure did taste yummy. cute right? ...not so much.

...i worked two whole hours tonight. all the money i made went toward my gross dinner.

but i did feel successful today...

this morning i laid on the floor staring at the ceiling for about twenty minutes asking heavenly father to help me feel motivated to do something today.

i eventually got up and headed out to find dress pants for work. i know, it doesnt sound super productive but oddly i had to put a lot of work into it! i tried on tons of pants!

finally i walked away with TWO pair! costing me only 40 bucks! (thank you jc penny!)

that was it. thats all it took. i walked away feeling good about my day. silly i know...but the little things are a bigger deal now.

like i went to institute last night.....

...im grateful heavenly father is patient with me. and is allowing me to rely on him.

i need a kitty...

i dont say that just because i really really want one. i actually think i need one.

my kitty peewee from home

i need someone to come home to who loves me no matter what! and who will always love me. and will snuggle with me when i go to bed.....

the next place i live....i WILL have a kitten.....

anyway...i have this bad habit of...daydreaming up these situations that i want to happen. ive done it ever since i can remember. birthdays and valentines day tend to be my worst. i would think....maybe the guy i like will bring me a dozen roses, or maybe i'll come home to a cutely decorated room, or get swept off my feet and taken to a special romantic dinner.

i still do it.

when im sick or upset i hope that someone will come over randomly because they know i need to be taken care of.

but when i do this....i set myself up for disappointment.

i did it today. i laid in bed sick and upset with the door cracked hoping i wouldnt be laying there alone for very much longer. i could have sworn i heard him drive by twice today.... but i was probably just making myself anxious for my possible daydream to come true.

i cant do this anymore. how do i stop it? i refuse to do it on valentines day this year. it'll just another day that i'll spend working and then come home and enjoy a movie on my own. i may splurge by buying myself some flowers but i really dont want to disappoint myself again.

seriously....i have an issue. i'm sitting here thinking...maybe someone will surprise me with a kitten....

nope....they wont....haha.

oh lucy.....get yourself together here!

i bought myself flowers tonight.

....sometimes i crave them.

i deserve them. i sold two wedding gowns yesterday and two today.

go me!

and im giving my first gospel doctrine lesson tomorrow

so it was good motivation to study after an incredibly long day.

flowers, harry and david raspberry gallettes and 30 rock...not a bad night.

positivity....

does this kitten make you happy?

he makes me REALLY happy.

but i can guarantee that he WOULDN'T make my roommates happy.

they'd say something like, "well his eyes are all glazed over," or "his coloring is ugly"

...why?

because i have the most negative people ever who live with me!!

seriously i cant comprehend it....

i have never heard someone have so many excuses for EVERYTHING.

our landlord came over this afternoon to inform us that they were coming to clean the carpets tomorrow. (yay! how nice of them!) she then informed me that they wouldnt be doing "the sisters" rooms because they complained that they have too much stuff in their room and didnt want to move it off the carpet. (her saying this didnt surprise me in the least bit)

so i wrote a note on the white board and went to work. i expected it to be erased when i got home (every other thing i write on the board gets erased). but it was still there. and when the subject was brought up they had a lot to say about it.

their tone of voice was so incredibly negative that everyone in the room tensed up immediately.

who were they mad at....? me?

i hear 'blah blah blah......blah blah.' and feel incredibly gross as they go off about how incredibly dumb our landlord is, and then listing off everything else that is wrong with our apartment that should have been taken care of previously.

i dont mean to rant too much about this but i wonder....how can such a negative person be successful in life?

....they cant.

no one wants to be around someone like that, and no employer wants to have someone like that work for them. and i dont mean this in the awful sense that it sounds, but how does someone like that find someone to marry?

i mean i feel like i still have difficulty with that, and not to be prideful, but i dont think i have THAT many things wrong with me.

they spend ALL of their time together because no one else can bear that same negativity and social awkwardness. i just hope that someday they can come to the realization that being such a downer all the time will get them nowhere.

and thats what ive learned tonight....re-learned. because i learn it every time i'm forced to have some type of serious conversation with them.

be positive! because doing otherwise will be more hurtful than helpful.

and i know..i havent been so happy go lucky the last few days...but at least i try to put on a face before i interact with people. (like my landlord, who probably has just as many problems that she is dealing with like i do)

summer, please come quickly

remember this? this wonderful blue sky and green grass? oh, how i miss it so much. i admit the snow today was beautiful. but after spending about 45 minutes shoveling my drive way and falling completely on my side i'm ready for a new season.

..my emotions are ready for the sun.

i miss seeing crazy plants like this....

and this....

i know, i know it will come....but summer, please come quickly.

i find when i struggle i turn to music to make me feel better. i imagine someone comforting me with the lyrics of certain songs.

this line got me through some pretty tough times a few years ago, "baby dont worry cause now i got your back. and every time you feel like crying, i'm gonna try and make you laugh. and if i cant, if it just hurts too bad, then we will wait for it to pass and i will keep you company through those days so long and black."

...anyway i found myself driving the other day for an hour on my way to work listening to the fray, and being calmed down by a certain song.

i love how music has a different meaning for different times of my life. its just like the scriptures. you can hear one thing over and over and have it mean nothing. but one day, because something in your life has changed that same thing has a completely different meaning to you. ive heard this song many times, but this time it made an impact

heres what i was listening to:

"take a deep breath, take a seat, youre falling apart and tearing at the seams"

i found myself literally taking a deep breath in the car...and thinking..."hold on tight, wait till tomorrow, i'll be alright"

and so thats what im doing.

ive been sitting in my bed for about an hour afraid to turn off the light.... listening to this song.

i'll be holding on tight, waiting for tomorrow...

waiting for the time that i can go to my favorite spot at thanksgiving point marveling at my favorite tulip grateful for such a beautiful world i live in.

i think i'll go exploring tomorrow to take some pictures. so i can find beauty in even this cold season.

sometimes i just feel like crying....

now is one of those times...

im sure i could create a list of reasons why i think i would feel like it, but that would just make it worse.

sometimes i just need a good cry while being held.

i blame the fact that im a girl on why ive been so emotional.

i mean i just watched a wedding video and cried. pathetic right? definitely.

there are a lot of things i want right now, and im really working on getting them. change has never been easy for me but right now its what i need.

recent projects

its been far too long...

i guess i feel this need to have something special and profound to talk about but ive got to figure out this is not the case.

i was woken up really early this morning and peered out the window to see that snow had snuck up on me. and would you believe it but not very long ago i actually said 'i want it to snow' but i wasnt expecting it this time.

i admit it....it is beautiful. i love it when the sun isnt quite up yet and everything has a blue tint to it from the white all over.

and i was lucky enough to have josh shovel my driveway and uncover my car today. :)

ok so here are some things ive been wanting to share....

josh and i went through a phase of going to color me mine. you know where you paint ceramics and they fire them for you so you have your own personalized dish!? well here was my first project....

im pretty proud of it i have to say.

ok so im a total dork and when i see something that i like i take a picture of it with my phone in hopes of it inspiring me later. this cup was inspired by a calendar at barnes and noble.

so next time we went back i found a tea cup! which was perfect after the excitement of just buying my first tea set. so i decided to start a theme and took some of the same colors and patterns from my first cup....

hopefully there will be more tea cups to come!

please excuse the crappy pictures for the next few...

i had a framed print that i got from my roommate a while ago because she didnt want it anymore. it said "all because they fell in love..."

which sure, is cute if youre married. but i'm not and it didnt really fit in my bathroom like i wanted it to. so i decided to do something with it.

there are these beautiful red japanese maple trees that are outside the window of the olive garden. and in the fall and spring i absolutely LOVE it because every time i walk out the kitchen i see this beautiful tree. and when the trees were changing color they were a flaming red color.

finally on a really slow lunch shift josh and i decided to go out and pick a few. and this is what i did with them....

unfortunately dried leaves dont keep the same color they were. but i think it turned out ok. it makes me happy every time i see it now...

and last...my table center piece.

the table is apparently the only thing im allowed to decorate in my apartment with my crappy roommates (i found my vase with blue sticks that was my ONLY decoration in the living room put in the garage) so i decide to go all out.

every christmas season when i'm at the store and i walk past those pine cones that smell like cinnamon i tell myself i will get them when i have my own house. but i thought thats dumb so i decided not to wait and get them. so i put this together. a bowl...then i walked past a few candles on the way out and made this! i love the place mat (loove target)....

but they smell delicious and add a little cheer when i walk in the door. (i need it here)

i'm going to be better. no more of this waiting for something cool to write about..

just do it!