i bought myself flowers tonight.

....sometimes i crave them.

i deserve them. i sold two wedding gowns yesterday and two today.

go me!

and im giving my first gospel doctrine lesson tomorrow

so it was good motivation to study after an incredibly long day.

flowers, harry and david raspberry gallettes and 30 rock...not a bad night.

positivity....

does this kitten make you happy?

he makes me REALLY happy.

but i can guarantee that he WOULDN'T make my roommates happy.

they'd say something like, "well his eyes are all glazed over," or "his coloring is ugly"

...why?

because i have the most negative people ever who live with me!!

seriously i cant comprehend it....

i have never heard someone have so many excuses for EVERYTHING.

our landlord came over this afternoon to inform us that they were coming to clean the carpets tomorrow. (yay! how nice of them!) she then informed me that they wouldnt be doing "the sisters" rooms because they complained that they have too much stuff in their room and didnt want to move it off the carpet. (her saying this didnt surprise me in the least bit)

so i wrote a note on the white board and went to work. i expected it to be erased when i got home (every other thing i write on the board gets erased). but it was still there. and when the subject was brought up they had a lot to say about it.

their tone of voice was so incredibly negative that everyone in the room tensed up immediately.

who were they mad at....? me?

i hear 'blah blah blah......blah blah.' and feel incredibly gross as they go off about how incredibly dumb our landlord is, and then listing off everything else that is wrong with our apartment that should have been taken care of previously.

i dont mean to rant too much about this but i wonder....how can such a negative person be successful in life?

....they cant.

no one wants to be around someone like that, and no employer wants to have someone like that work for them. and i dont mean this in the awful sense that it sounds, but how does someone like that find someone to marry?

i mean i feel like i still have difficulty with that, and not to be prideful, but i dont think i have THAT many things wrong with me.

they spend ALL of their time together because no one else can bear that same negativity and social awkwardness. i just hope that someday they can come to the realization that being such a downer all the time will get them nowhere.

and thats what ive learned tonight....re-learned. because i learn it every time i'm forced to have some type of serious conversation with them.

be positive! because doing otherwise will be more hurtful than helpful.

and i know..i havent been so happy go lucky the last few days...but at least i try to put on a face before i interact with people. (like my landlord, who probably has just as many problems that she is dealing with like i do)

summer, please come quickly

remember this? this wonderful blue sky and green grass? oh, how i miss it so much. i admit the snow today was beautiful. but after spending about 45 minutes shoveling my drive way and falling completely on my side i'm ready for a new season.

..my emotions are ready for the sun.

i miss seeing crazy plants like this....

and this....

i know, i know it will come....but summer, please come quickly.

i find when i struggle i turn to music to make me feel better. i imagine someone comforting me with the lyrics of certain songs.

this line got me through some pretty tough times a few years ago, "baby dont worry cause now i got your back. and every time you feel like crying, i'm gonna try and make you laugh. and if i cant, if it just hurts too bad, then we will wait for it to pass and i will keep you company through those days so long and black."

...anyway i found myself driving the other day for an hour on my way to work listening to the fray, and being calmed down by a certain song.

i love how music has a different meaning for different times of my life. its just like the scriptures. you can hear one thing over and over and have it mean nothing. but one day, because something in your life has changed that same thing has a completely different meaning to you. ive heard this song many times, but this time it made an impact

heres what i was listening to:

"take a deep breath, take a seat, youre falling apart and tearing at the seams"

i found myself literally taking a deep breath in the car...and thinking..."hold on tight, wait till tomorrow, i'll be alright"

and so thats what im doing.

ive been sitting in my bed for about an hour afraid to turn off the light.... listening to this song.

i'll be holding on tight, waiting for tomorrow...

waiting for the time that i can go to my favorite spot at thanksgiving point marveling at my favorite tulip grateful for such a beautiful world i live in.

i think i'll go exploring tomorrow to take some pictures. so i can find beauty in even this cold season.

sometimes i just feel like crying....

now is one of those times...

im sure i could create a list of reasons why i think i would feel like it, but that would just make it worse.

sometimes i just need a good cry while being held.

i blame the fact that im a girl on why ive been so emotional.

i mean i just watched a wedding video and cried. pathetic right? definitely.

there are a lot of things i want right now, and im really working on getting them. change has never been easy for me but right now its what i need.