yesterdays strength has become todays weakness.

rainy day

today was aMAZing! the clouds rolled in and dropped a few little rain drops....

last night i slept with the window cracked and had the cool 40 degree weather blowing in on me all night. it was divine! so i slept in til ten.

....and laid in bed til twelve under the covers enjoying the cool breeze and cloudy sky through my blinds.

i contemplated....

then watched a little modern family and goofed around on the computer.

got half ready (meaning i did my make-up and put my basketball shorts back on) and then deeeeeeep cleaned. oh boy did it feel WONderful! i even dusted.....and organized all of my shoes.

let me tell you. i have too many of just about everything. but most specifically shoes and jewelry.

i organized my earring rack and it now looks like this....

there are multiple pairs of earrings where only one should reside.

have any suggestions on organization?

i have a hook right next to this full of my necklaces (they still get tangled). and that bowl right there full of bracelets and rings. i need something cute, small, and convenient. but am totally at a loss for ideas....

from there i got all dolled up and treated myself to a trip to bath and body works. this rainy weather has gotten me all excited. i now wash my hands with sweet cinnamon pumpkin. YUM! perfect clean treat to a perfect clean day.

i also made a purchase on this little gem. 6 whole dollars. and will match perfectly with my light brown boots this fall. SO excited....

i drove to meet my bestest friend des at kneaders (it was too cold and rainy to do a photo shoot) and actually thought in the car 'i'm kind of excited for winter. the warm coats, and hot apple cider....maybe even snow' ....ridiculous, huh? just last week i was having an anxiety attack over the whole thing. this goes to show how good of a mood i was in today.

we had awesome conversation, good laughs, and delicious cream of broccoli soup. great way to end a totally amazing day.

a few things.

i went for a drive on sunday.

i was a little grumpy that day. until driving up the dirt road i found a beautiful spot that made me yell to stop the car. and i finally got the perfect exposure on the shot i wanted...... and then i skipped up the hill back to my car. needless to say i was happy again.

today as i was putting a wedding dress back on a mannequin i thought to myself.....

wedding dresses just arent as special as they used to be. i've been jaded and its kind of a bummer. just the way i carry them isn't as special. i scroll through bridal blogs and name every dress that i recognize. its sad....and i just hope that when it comes to finding my own (which i have NO idea what it will look like..even though i see lots of options) it will still feel like a special dress.

speaking of special dresses...went to u of u homecoming this weekend. got all dolled up and out to a fancy restaurant for dinner. i felt special and real pretty. love to have a reason to dress up.

ive decided this fall i want to wear collared button up shirts. i've always loved the look of them but have never actually worn them. this year it will be done! worn with sweaters over the top and with rolled up sleeves....

oh that, and rain boots with long socks worn underneath with a skirt. i will be investing in a cute pair from target when i get paid this week.

pinterest inspires me.

recently ive been reminded how much i love to give little gifts/cards just because i love them. it makes me feel good. it makes them feel good. and its exciting. need to do that more often.

newest favorite show. new girl. freaking hilarious! love zooey deschanel.

going to take pictures with my favorite desiree tomorrow in the fall weather. love her....

type

wow, its been over a month since my little fingers have typed on these keys. and to think i missed it even though it feels good to type away on my cute mac.....

a few things....

i got my utah drivers license in the mail today. its depressing, but surprisingly has a decent picture of my face on it!

the changing of seasons makes me anxious. i LOVE the fall, but oh boy how i hate utah winters. and when it all starts changing i get all weird and need to spend as much time as i can outside enjoying it before it gets crappy. thats hard to do when you have a full time job.

my room is a disaster, and desperately needs to be cleaned. yet here i am watching episodes of 30 rock on my bed... (liz lemon is my hero!)

ive had a project of redoing my bedstand for the last year and its still sitting here with the sand paper in the drawer unfinished.

speaking of unfinished projects..my computer now moves at glacier speed due to the fact that all the memory is full....and im too lazy to reorganize and delete files.

im good at what i do, but i tend to forget it. wheres my life coach telling me im awesome every second of the day?

i have a stack of books to read....most of them half read. get on it lucy!

i could go on...but i'll wait for next time!

ramblings

i just have to say before i leave the house...

that i am so grateful for the gospel!

im so grateful for a heavenly father that loves me

and blesses me

and wants me to be happy

and lets me start over

and is always there for me even when i step away from him.

im grateful for the scriptures and the strength and spirit they bring throughout your day when you read them.

i could just ramble on i feel so blessed.....

dunn family quote

when i was in high school my dad put this quote up in our living room and told each of us we had to memorize it. we even had to sign our name on the bottom of the paper to officially let everyone know we accomplished the task. ever since then it has meant a little more to me. so when i read it in our lesson today in relief society it brought a smile to my face. but it still rings true....

"that which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing is changed, but that our power to do is increased." --Heber J. Grant

keep working on it lucy....it gets easier

also....

"may i suggest that you take your challenges one day at a time. do the best you can. look at everything through the lens of eternity. if you will do this, life will take on a different perspective." --James E. Faust

learned a lot today. a lot. wish i could share all of it, but like i said...a lot. i even commented in sunday school and took pages of notes.

im so grateful the lord takes the simplest prayers..like asking to have a better attitude..and answers them. i look forward to being better, and stronger.

p.s.....ive really thinking about this one a lot lately.....

"Now, I have thought a lot lately about you young men who are of an age to marry but who have not yet felt to do so. I see lovely young ladies who desire to be married and to raise families, and yet their opportunities are limited because so many young men are postponing marriage.

Said President Harold B. Lee, “We are not doing our duty as holders of the priesthood when we go beyond the marriageable age and withhold ourselves from an honorable marriage to these lovely women.”⁶

I realize there are many reasons why you may be hesitating to take that step of getting married. If you are concerned about providing financially for a wife and family, may I assure you that there is no shame in a couple having to scrimp and save. It is generally during these challenging times that you will grow closer together as you learn to sacrifice and to make difficult decisions. Perhaps you are afraid of making the wrong choice. To this I say that you need to exercise faith. Find someone with whom you can be compatible. Realize that you will not be able to anticipate every challenge which may arise, but be assured that almost anything can be worked out if you are resourceful and if you are committed to making your marriage work.

Perhaps you are having a little too much fun being single, taking extravagant vacations, buying expensive cars and toys, and just generally enjoying the carefree life with your friends. I’ve encountered groups of you running around together, and I admit that I’ve wondered why you aren’t out with the young ladies.

Brethren, there is a point at which it’s time to think seriously about marriage and to seek a companion with whom you want to spend eternity. If you choose wisely and if you are committed to the success of your marriage, there is nothing in this life which will bring you greater happiness." --Thomas S. Monson

yup...i said it.

bright colors

....make me happy.

nights with no plans include me staring at my computer screen soaking in pictures of pretty things.

i have this thing where i want to collect all these pretty things i see. i just signed up for pinterest. im going to be honest, i was hesitant at first. but its addicting. and is a neat way to show what you love! maybe i should start a real corkboard of things i love.

also, have you heard of wedzu? its lucy heaven. etsy, but just for weddings....also addictive.

ive had a lot on my mind. too much. things i shouldnt have to be thinking about. at least not now. lots of anxiety. but a girl has to stick up for herself.

i have a lot of desires. and i would love to go over them right now, but i think they are better kept in my head for now. for a future note, i tend to associate feelings/emotions/memories with objects and locations. and when they are special to me and include someone else it becomes hard when that other person chooses to share it with a person other than myself. a little too abstract? i'll explain later....

need to....

get my dancin' feet back!

blisters

there are blisters on my hands from my early morning activity today.

i SO hate getting up early but i did it. for a 7:21 tee time. and got paired up with two other guys which made me SO nervous. and i sucked it up and was awful.

but i survived. i got through it. and now am left with sore hands and blisters (on my glove hand...weird, right?)

but go me! next time will be better.

loves, loves and even more loves!

i love my family SO much. LOVE them! i feel so blessed. i dont think i could say it enough times.

i love my mom. who has the sweetest, most tender heart. she is my best friend. i could hang out with her ALL the time. we just make fun of ourselves and laugh and trip over things and have a good time. people tell me i look just like her and i consider it the best compliment because she is absolutely gorgeous!

i love my dad. i kind of consider myself a daddys girl. even now, as a 23 year old when im upset all i want is for my daddy to hold me like he did when i was little. he is so sincere and his hugs tell you that. i love how logical he is. everything makes sense, and nothing is too hard.

i also love my parents because they set an example for me.

first...they know how to love each other. im not sure i know of anyone who loves and takes care of each other more than my parents. they both give unconditionally and i can see how happy they are in their relationship. i love watching them look out for each other. and i love that when mom forgets to say bye to dad she goes back in the house and makes sure to tell him and give him a kiss. they always kiss goodbye and its the sweetest. it makes me so happy to see that my parents still get excited when they get to meet each other for a lunch break.

second...they know and love the gospel. when dad became the bishop he changed a little. he recognizes even more the importance and blessings of the gospel in his life. even as the oldest child who has lived away from home for a while i am so blessed to have my dad being as a bishop. he keeps me straight and reminds me to turn to the lord. i savor every conversation i have with him that gives me guidance.

mom has the sweetest testimony. you know it because she cant ever keep tears in when she talks about something close to her heart. she is really good at recognizing ways that the gospel blesses her life. and i am blessed to sit and listen to the ways that she continues to recognize those blessings. today i sat on the stand next to my mom in a stake meeting when she did the sweetest thing. she suddenly stood up and i watched her as she walked all the way to the back of the room to see what she was doing. as she did she said hi and patted people on the back as she walked past people she knew. when she finally got to the back she found an elderly sister, took her hand, and walked her up to the front of the congregation to a more comfortable, open seat. she didnt say a word, she didnt ask any questions. she just got up and did it.

this trip home has been wonderful. i am so blessed to be in such a wonderful family who i know loves the lord, and loves me. i have wonderful parents, and an awesome brother and sisters. i am pretty proud to be called on of the 'dunnette' girls as i left church this morning. because they are great people. and im lucky to know that i can be with them for eternity.

edit.

editing photos is hard for me.

i havent quite figured out my own style of editing. i know what i like....and dont like. but i cant quite seem to get there. i need a quick 'lucy' button while going through pictures so im not fiddling trying to figure out what i like best.

i suppose its harder when your photos arent quite refined to begin with.

but help! i feel like im lacking that professional photographer look, and i cant seem to put my finger on how to do it.

better lens?

better lighting?

dunno.

i'll keep working at it, when i regain the patience to sit and stare at photos again.

feel this.

so you think you can dance....

mom and i sit and have deep discussions on the dancers/dances.

my little sister makes fun of us for it.

but dancing can be so amazing. that the right moves, and music can make you feel a certain emotion. awesome!

watch these....

a couple of my recent favorites:

did you see how he just lifts her up like its nothing!?

fast forward to 3:10 on the next one for the gooood part.

love it.

upward pull

"Man is a spiritual being, a soul, and at some period of his life everyone is possessed with an irresistible desire to know his relationship to the Infinite...There is something within him which urges him to rise above himself, to control his environment, to master the body and all things physical and live in a higher and more beautiful world." --David O. McKay

"That urge to rise above yourself is a recognition of your need for the Atonement to work in your life, and your need to be sure that it is working. After all you can do, after all your effort, you need confidence that the Atonement is working for you and on you." --Henry B. Eyring

i sat outside on the hammock in my jeans, a sweater, and socks {in the middle of july!}. snuggled up with a blankie and my book. what could be better than feeling a cool breeze under my bum while sitting under a pine tree? not much.

i love that feeling when you read something that you already knew, but forgot. and it all clicks.

it. all. clicks.

i love that desire to be better! that new resolve to work on yourself again. and i will....i'll do it. to live in that higher, beautiful world.

change

things are changing. getting better. slowly but surely.

"changing the way you do routine things allows a new person to grow inside of you"

thanks des.

i'm smiling.....

one, two, triple step....

im still here.

ive found something new to take up my time.

my room is a disaster.

a pile of clothes lay in the middle of the floor from taking them off at night and hurrying to hop into bed from pure exhaustion.

something is still missing. but,

this feels good.

foothills

there should be an infomercial about oregon.....

it would say something like this in a raised tone of voice with excitement;

"are you sad and depressed? tired? do you get tired of looking at the same old ugly scenery? then visit the wonderful, scenic oregon! its the marvelous cure all!"

cheesy, i know. but it worked for me!

when i see this, i know im home. this is foothills pear orchard. it looks over all of medford. its my favorite part of the drive.

i spent a whole week at home....and while there i hardly thought about anything that was literally plaguing me before i left. it was nice.

i felt the mist of a waterfall on my face
walked on moss carpet in the nature
went on a walk while the sun set
planted flowers in the dirt
stared at the most beautiful dogwood tree in my front yard
ate the rockefeller pizza at kaleidoscope with my favorite pizza friend
celebrated a birthday
sat in the park on a sunny afternoon just talking about life
visited my best friend and his new beautiful wife at their reception
took pictures of my beautiful sisters

i love my family.
and i love my friend who will just let me talk about life and accepts who i am.
thank you oregon.

ill be back as soon as i can.

pretend

"but behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can do no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." --alma 32:27

love my daddy

i want to be a princess

i didnt get up super early to watch the wedding. but i wish i would have. i have to admit i was a little excited for all of this. it didnt hit til i woke up and came down and turned the tv on.
its just like a fairy tale! she got to marry a prince.

looooove it!

absolutely loved her dress!

i want to be a princess.

with a prince
a gorgeous gown
a ride around town in a horse drawn carriage
and then an exit in an old aston martin.
.....please?

i retreat a little

life is weird.

Heavenly Father really meant it when he said it was a test. its hard.

i have so many things bouncing around in my head i cant think straight.

none of this makes sense but ive got to get it all out.

agency
the Lords timetable
prayer
revelation
relationships
faith
marriage
moving forward
making sure not to settle
love
forgiveness
the atonement
change
becoming a new person
repentance
desire to do good
regrets
potential
the atonement
happiness
desires
family
influences
making decisions not based on influences
forgiveness
agency
revelation
agency

a list. all ive got is a list (thanks to dad, he taught me well)

and an uncontrollably shaky body....

i take it back a little....just hold off for a little bit world...til i get my footing. then bring it on.

dont cry and drive.

today was my first day off (that wasnt the sabbath) in two weeks. in fact i even forgot it was my day off until i was reminded at work that i didnt have to come in the next day.

workaholic? maybe.

feels good to get things done.

finally organized my room a little.
and unpacked my car (which included vacuuming laundry detergent that spilled ALL over the backseat)

went to dinner with the wonderful desiree, and visited every craft store in orem.

today i came to a couple realizations.

1. im alone. 2. im single. and 3. i have no idea what will happen in the next six months. its a weird feeling. im pretty much on my own.

im not sure what exactly im taking from those realizations but im sure ill get back to you.

as long as i keep doing what im supposed to be doing, those things wont be so daunting.

ps a good run makes things better.

sometimes i just have to get out and run away from things as soon as possible to feel better. despite the clubhouse being closed tonight i went out for a jog anyway. i just ran around the block in the cold air like 5 times. im still amazed at how making my heart hurt with exercise makes my heart feel better.

it all was topped off by the most amazing shooting star. that i managed to see at the perfect moment, in the perfect spot. those things remind me that heavenly father is watching over me and wants to remind me of that. and remind me that he loves me.

bring it on world.

Happy Easter!

Hear a wonderful Easter message here.

I am so grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. For his life, example, sacrifice, and atonement.

He knows me and loves me.

green

i have so much i want to talk about. but its late, and i should have been in bed about half an hour ago. but i have to take advantage of the internet working tonight on my own computer (without having to bug the neighbor to reset the router).

i took a few pictures this weekend. its been a while since ive gone out and just played around. i feel like im slowly learning and getting better at taking pictures little by little. i'm starting to learn more about my camera too. its funny how i can spend so much time looking through the lens and never really notice all the green lights at the bottom indicating the exposure on each picture. psh! goes to show how much i know. anyway just be prepared for a flood of pictures here soon.

today kneaders went from the bottom of my list of places to eat to the top ten. i had a DELICIOUS salad today for lunch. spinach leaves, feta cheese, nuts, raspberries, and a raspberry vinaigrette. oh man...so good! and then i had another one of their salads for dinner. crazy right? lucy eating TWO salads in one day!?

ok time for some sleep....i have a veeeerrry long day ahead of me. i get to go into work early tomorrow to meet with my aunt and a representative from pronovias (our top designer in the store) to do the buying for the year. i'm excited to say the least! yay!

i heart disney

this last weekend was spend in disneyland.

highlights included:

hanging out with mom

toy story mania

learning how the pro does disneyland in a day

eating a monte cristo at cafe orleans

eating a homemade chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwich

getting in to the park for free

taking pictures with mom

getting an awesome mickie damask scarf

world of color

laughing with mom

being able to respond with conversation to the smartest disneyland man i know

getting to see my sister sydney perform with her choir

it was an awesome weekend to say the least. and getting back to utah was not so awesome.

im not a fan of change. i even get bothered by little things....like the fact that returning to the airport was totally different than it has been for the last year and a half.

my heart likes constant companionship. and when i dont have that, it requires some major adjusting. i left work early today because i was anxious and wasnt adjusting as well as i should been. so i did a little exercising....it helped. somewhat. haha.

yesterday i felt a little better when i got an aweosme surprise! im my dread of being at work my grandparents from texas randomly walked in the door! they were in town and took me out to lunch (to taco time, grandpas favorite). i love my family. it feels good to be loved.

grovemade case

looksie.....i came home to find a package in the mail that ive been anxiously waiting for. and this is what was inside....

the most amazing handmade bamboo cell phone case..... check it...it even tells you inside "handmade in portland, oregon" pretty sweet eh?

isn't it beautiful? it smells amazing too.

it comes with a bamboo frame from the left over wood used for the case. how resourceful.... it must really be from oregon.

i absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it. i keep looking over at it. and picking it up just to feel it. just pray that i dont drop it and ruin it.

best conference ever

this weekend was general conference. it was so great. i know its because i really really needed it. i went from crying out of sorrow to crying for happiness to learn such amazing things. i learned a lot. ...a lot. i have a lot of things to work on to be the person i want to be. but now i have a better idea of who that person is. at least i was reminded of it again. i still hurt. a lot. and i have no idea what the future holds. at least for now i can distract myself with some things to work on and hopefully the things i want will start to fall into place. i have a lot of desires right now... i know i have to be patient with them...but hurry up already! im ready for bed. hopefully ill be back soon....and i can talk about the move! once i figure out how to get the stupid internet to work on my computer.

tango

dear mr. tango,

please teach me how to dance your dance.

without all the awkward in-between stuff where i look stupid trying to be sexy. and then find me a sexy dance partner who knows what he's doing. and a nice sexy dress for me to wear.

thanks.

sincerely,

lucy

snow...

today was my only day off. and it snowed.

which was ok because i spent time inside doing some spring cleaning and getting ready to pack up and move. i threw away a whole trash bag full of stuff.

after getting some work done, i decided to treat/pamper myself. i finally used a gift certificate for a massage my mom gave me literally two years ago. so i went to the spa tonight for a date with myself. i had an hour in the sauna to myself. although i only lasted about 30 minutes actually in the heat. and then had an hour body massage.....ahh....so nice

it was my second real massage and this one was the best yet. i didnt want it to end. i may have to start treating myself more often.

then i got myself some costa vida and a movie. feels nice to have a day for myself.

look what i found in my front yard today. the first sign of spring! a little tulip. i'm so excited!! hang in there little guy!!

so i'll run, but not too far...in case you chase me.....

missy higgins....thank you.

thank you for filling my car with great music to listen to over and over and over again on my drive this week.

ive been thinkin.....im in need of a surprise. a REALLLlly good one. one where someone says 'lucy i love you so much i decided to visit you from so far away' or something ridiculous like that. i dont even care what it is, sometimes i just need something unexpected. but happy unexpected...ive had my fair share of unhappy unexpected here lately.

ive just gotta stop psyching myself out. for petes sake lucy, thats not a white honda civic driving by. its just another car with a loud muffler (seriously how can there be so many in utah) so stop thinking by some crazy chance youre getting surprised.

in un-surprising, but exciting news i just booked my flight to disneyland! it'll be reaaaaall fun! it'll be good to have a little vacation.

ten buckaroos baby

i did something crazy this morning....

i woke up early, put on some ridiculous clothes, and went outside in the 23 degree weather for a jog/walk.

i know what youre thinking....'is this really lucy typing all of this?'

yup...yup it totally is. i did a SPEED walk up the hill and a jog down the hill. (go ahead...laugh) but i did it! and it felt good. (angry runs are my favorite...and really the only time i feel motivated to get out and pretend to run away from everything) i love that point when your heart gets tired but oh how it wants more of it!

the best part of my run was that at the top of the hill, i found ten bucks just layin on the ground saying "lucy, you made it! take me!"

i think if someone this morning told me as i was whining to myself in bed...'hey lucy i'll pay you ten bucks to run up the hill and back' i proooobably would have gotten my butt up a little earlier.

deep limbic system

from my walk to the temple a while back. i love that i dont even have to edit (cuz i dont know how).

i'm reading a really interesting book. i would love to tell you everything about it but then i'd be summarizing the whole book and i would just suggest reading it. its called 'change your brain, change your life'

heres what i learned....the deep limbic system is a spot right in the middle of your brain the size of a walnut. its responsible for the emotional tone of the mind, modulating motivation, controlling appetite and sleep cycles, and promoting bonding. its a pretty powerful little thing. if its overworked it can accentuate any of the above mentioned things. such as moodiness, irritability, depression, increases negative thinking, negative perception of events, decreased motivation, flood of negative emotions, appetite and sleep problems and social isolation. so basically this is a pretty big influencer in lucy's brain considering im good at all of the above. haha.

the book mentions some reasons why this part of the brain would work harder than necessary. the first reason is bonding disruption. "many who experience grief say the pain actually feels physical. this sensation is not imaginary. grief often activates the pain centers in the brain, which are housed near the deep limbic system." so when i feel my body may collapse in times of 'increased negative feeling' im most likely not making it up. and for some reason thats comforting. losing your love "can be extraordinarily painful because the deep limbic connection has been broken. that person has become part of the chemical bond of that part of the brain, and it takes time for that bond to dissolve. your deep limbic system misses the person's touch, voice, and smell." and relationships that were more difficult tend to make it worse because those things arent/wont be resolved.

....am i talking too much? probably. i just find all of this stuff so interesting. but at least when i feel like my body may just quit on me....i know why.

i dont really know how to follow all of this up. i just felt like sharing.

i wish i could have a camera with me at all times. that way i could stop whatever i was doing whenever i wanted and magically be in the best spot to take a picture of the things around me. heavenly father created such a beautiful place for me! on my drive home tonight above the mountains was a raincloud. because it was only cloudy in this one place and the sun was setting on the opposite side of the sky it created quite the scene. i wish i could have documented it so i could feel the same way i did marveling at it on my drive home.

i returned to the olive garden for dinner tonight with des. it was nice to have someone to talk about my day with. i miss that.....

im done with today....bed please.

whirlwind

its been a while. ive been busy.

busy is good...but sometimes i have a minute to think...and i get anxious

im planning on moving out this weekend. i just have no idea when i'm actually going to move out.

i wish my brain wouldnt start a whirlwind of thoughts as soon as i think one little thing.... it gets out of control.

ill write a little more when ive calmed down a little....

just another day at work today.

little lemons

i received a package in the mail from sweden a few days after a night of browsing etsy....

opened it up and saw this!

a brand new pair of the cutest earrings ever! little lemon slices! i love my little lemons. and they are uber cute on!

the perfect little pick me up. :D

vanilla twilight

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

--Owl City

.

inexplicable

inexplicable: incapable of being explained, or accounted for. see lucy's heart.

i feel a lot of things should be left for my own journal today.

but i have all of these feelings and thoughts that that are bottled up inside me and may burst any day. i'm really good at having anxiety.

yesterday i was talking to the sweetest girl i work with. her name is lyidia and she is from ukraine. she really warmed up to me with her big smile when i offered her help when she was really busy. she is the best seamstress around. anyway we were talking about russian and how much i love her accent. (you should have heard her say she got her shirt at ross...it was the cutest thing) i told her i knew a few russian words and told her 'i love you'. she just giggled at me. when i asked her to teach me a new word she said, 'pakah'. ....it means goodbye. i smiled and said it to her as she left...

but the instant she told me it made me sad.

....ironic, isnt it?

i love family

i should really be in bed....

but i want to make sure i share these things..honestly so i dont forget tomorrow when i'm not feeling so hot.

....but you can read too...

im grateful for family. and friends. and honestly i dont have very many friends but im grateful for the ones i have.

im also grateful that the Lord knows me...and puts people in my path during the day to help me remember that. this morning i walked into work and said hi to my manager. she immediately asked me if i was ok. she said i seemed different. seriously? i had literally only been there for 5 seconds before she asked.

i like to pretend im tough and so i usually like to keep things to myself. but the fact that she was so aware of my feelings i decided to spill it. she gave me the biggest longest hug. and boy did it feel good.

ten hours later i spilled my guts to my aunt too. i guess i was a little better at pretending i was tough because she said she wouldnt have had any idea i was having a hard time. ANYway...the point is. im soo so so glad that i have family close now. i know its weird, but its like they just appeared (even though theyve been here all along). you see i say i work with my aunt...but shes my great aunt. and we have never been super close other than our family reunions every other year. and now....now i have this GREAT blessing of not only having one more person i know loves me...but to have that person at work. it makes a HUGE difference.

sometimes you just need a hug. and having new (old) family close by is a good source of that.

then i got to come over to my bestest friends house who was willing to let me stay the night and tell her about my day. AND she knows i needed a pick me up and greeted me with TWO princess presents. how awesome is she?

im grateful that the Lord knows what i need. and has helped me recognize friends to do creative things with, family who gives me hugs, and more friends who offer a place to stay when i REALLY dont feel like going home to my depressing apartment. and even though i have struggled a lot today... he has put a few things here and there to help me remember life isnt so crappy.

a much needed day out

isnt she hot? des was nice enough to take pictures of me today....and i returned the favor....just not as amazingly awesome as she did! holy smokes she is good.

sorry des, i couldnt resist. i wanted to share. thank you so much for today! lets do it again soon....please.

i hurt

i was going to write a cute post about how awesome my day was... (with pictures i took just for this and everything)

...but now i cant function.

my body hates me...

and sleep is the only thing i know to make it go away for a little bit.

mister birdie

i heard a bird chirping outside my window this morning.

he helped me get out of my bed to look forward to the day.

better than looking out the window and seeing an inch of snow like yesterday.

thank you mister birdie.

check out this little gem

i know i suck at taking quality pictures of myself....but i would feel weird to say i will work on it....

this is my new dress.

originally: $80

i paid: $12 (with tax)

i tried this on and loved it. yet, i was still too cheap to buy it assuming it was 3o bucks. but as i was on my way out the girl helping me yelled and said, 'wait no, dont leave! i'll check the price!' and sure enough..it was a deal. so i took it!

i think i could do some seriously awesome dancing in this dress. but it also works for a crazy saturday at the dress shop.

taught gospel doctrine today. it went really well. my class learned a lot of dorky things about me including:

1. an old guy complimenting me on valentines made me all excited

2. i like watching people at disneyland and trying to point out anybody who's lds.

3. i REALLY like food. so when i think about hungering and thirsting after righteousness i can really relate and want to make sure that i'm as satisfied with reading my scriptures as i am eating a delicious piece of filet mignon.

i spent some time doing a make over on the blog....what cha think? i'm kind of proud of myself.

day of love

i tend to not have the best attitude toward valentines day.

it started back in high school when zannie and i would give each other dead roses against the holiday.

but this year i told myself i wouldnt be such a downer.

so i wore red high heels to work and felt kinda sexy.

best part was when an older guy came into work looking for the owner (my aunt). when i told him she wasnt there he started joking about how she is lucky to have such a good job. so i joked back...

then he started to walk out and i asked if he wanted me to leave her a message....and then said 'who are you anyway?' i admit...i got a little cheeky back at him.

so he was on his way out when he walked all the way back to me and put his hand on my arm and said "i just have to tell you, have have a bright countenance. i can see your light. you must be doing something wonderful to be so bright"

...sweet right? what a great valentines day present from a sweet stranger.

so from then on out i decided to make sure to project love instead of getting depressed in not receiving it exactly how i want it. so i called every member of my family today....

arent they cute?

it was fun.

then i enjoyed a nice dinner out.

i hope everyone knows how much i care about them. friends and family.

thank you for making valentines day a good one.

im in a cool club

you probably don't know this but i'm in a club. a cool one. its one of those clubs that nod to each other when you see someone else in that club. today i was taking pictures of this:

and this

when i was bombarded by four cars in the middle of nowhere. it was a family about to go out for a walk on this unusually warm day in february. at first i didnt know what to do. i asked if they wanted me to move and they said i was ok. they were very friendly. then one of the ladies came up to talk to me. she commented on how beautiful the scenery was. i started to get in my car and she exclaimed not for me to go! so i stayed a little longer and took a few more pictures. they felt bad for interrupting my alone time.... then the next thingi know i was recognized by a club member.

..he pulled out his cannon slr after seeing mine and approached me. he asked me to take a picture of his family. i gladly agreed!

you see for some odd reason people who dont own slr's are incapable of using them. i'm not sure what is so confusing about them. but after having one and asking random people on the street to take pictures of me i see that the general public tends to be clueless (ok unless they're from an older generation and ask 'oh is this the shutter button?'). so when you see someone else with one its kind of a relief. i was honored to take a picture of this family. and to understand when he said...sorry i only have my telephoto lens i knew i had to be a bajillion miles away to actually capture his huge family in the frame.

dont get me wrong. i'm not a professional. nor do i claim to be close to one. i just pretend and enjoy doing what i know. i want to be better! in fact i just paid for a photography skill session. but i do feel cool. its true.

as i was leaving my spot i passed a handful of people on the side of the road. it was a guy taking portraits of a girl with his reflector. (i guess its a good spot when 3 nice cameras can be found) he waved and nodded as he saw me drive by.

i admit...it brought a smile to my face.

so i proceeded to take these...

remember this guy? he's real cute. how can your resist that cow face!?

on a side note. i'm grateful that the lord is thoughtful and considerate. both my visiting teachers and home teachers came over today. my first meeting was extremely awkward. my second meeting was exponentially better. i'm grateful that my heavenly father knows me. and knows that i need certain personalities to help me open up and feel good about them coming to share a message. its weird how that made such an impact on the spirit i felt.

im laying in bed afraid to come out of my room.....

our landlord said that a guy would be by to check the furnace this morning between 8 and 9. and that she would be back with someone eventually to put up curtains in our living room window.

...i heard a knock about 20 minutes ago and now i hear people putting up curtains.

....im hearing a guy talking and a drill...

but now the drill is on the other side of my wall....which has no window on it. im confused. and afraid to go out and shower....

hmph!

after completely stuffing myself with disgusting fast food i've decided to curl up on my bed and watch a little 30 rock. i think i can feel my heart working harder after all that icky stuff.... but it sure did taste yummy. cute right? ...not so much.

...i worked two whole hours tonight. all the money i made went toward my gross dinner.

but i did feel successful today...

this morning i laid on the floor staring at the ceiling for about twenty minutes asking heavenly father to help me feel motivated to do something today.

i eventually got up and headed out to find dress pants for work. i know, it doesnt sound super productive but oddly i had to put a lot of work into it! i tried on tons of pants!

finally i walked away with TWO pair! costing me only 40 bucks! (thank you jc penny!)

that was it. thats all it took. i walked away feeling good about my day. silly i know...but the little things are a bigger deal now.

like i went to institute last night.....

...im grateful heavenly father is patient with me. and is allowing me to rely on him.

i need a kitty...

i dont say that just because i really really want one. i actually think i need one.

my kitty peewee from home

i need someone to come home to who loves me no matter what! and who will always love me. and will snuggle with me when i go to bed.....

the next place i live....i WILL have a kitten.....

anyway...i have this bad habit of...daydreaming up these situations that i want to happen. ive done it ever since i can remember. birthdays and valentines day tend to be my worst. i would think....maybe the guy i like will bring me a dozen roses, or maybe i'll come home to a cutely decorated room, or get swept off my feet and taken to a special romantic dinner.

i still do it.

when im sick or upset i hope that someone will come over randomly because they know i need to be taken care of.

but when i do this....i set myself up for disappointment.

i did it today. i laid in bed sick and upset with the door cracked hoping i wouldnt be laying there alone for very much longer. i could have sworn i heard him drive by twice today.... but i was probably just making myself anxious for my possible daydream to come true.

i cant do this anymore. how do i stop it? i refuse to do it on valentines day this year. it'll just another day that i'll spend working and then come home and enjoy a movie on my own. i may splurge by buying myself some flowers but i really dont want to disappoint myself again.

seriously....i have an issue. i'm sitting here thinking...maybe someone will surprise me with a kitten....

nope....they wont....haha.

oh lucy.....get yourself together here!

i bought myself flowers tonight.

....sometimes i crave them.

i deserve them. i sold two wedding gowns yesterday and two today.

go me!

and im giving my first gospel doctrine lesson tomorrow

so it was good motivation to study after an incredibly long day.

flowers, harry and david raspberry gallettes and 30 rock...not a bad night.

positivity....

does this kitten make you happy?

he makes me REALLY happy.

but i can guarantee that he WOULDN'T make my roommates happy.

they'd say something like, "well his eyes are all glazed over," or "his coloring is ugly"

...why?

because i have the most negative people ever who live with me!!

seriously i cant comprehend it....

i have never heard someone have so many excuses for EVERYTHING.

our landlord came over this afternoon to inform us that they were coming to clean the carpets tomorrow. (yay! how nice of them!) she then informed me that they wouldnt be doing "the sisters" rooms because they complained that they have too much stuff in their room and didnt want to move it off the carpet. (her saying this didnt surprise me in the least bit)

so i wrote a note on the white board and went to work. i expected it to be erased when i got home (every other thing i write on the board gets erased). but it was still there. and when the subject was brought up they had a lot to say about it.

their tone of voice was so incredibly negative that everyone in the room tensed up immediately.

who were they mad at....? me?

i hear 'blah blah blah......blah blah.' and feel incredibly gross as they go off about how incredibly dumb our landlord is, and then listing off everything else that is wrong with our apartment that should have been taken care of previously.

i dont mean to rant too much about this but i wonder....how can such a negative person be successful in life?

....they cant.

no one wants to be around someone like that, and no employer wants to have someone like that work for them. and i dont mean this in the awful sense that it sounds, but how does someone like that find someone to marry?

i mean i feel like i still have difficulty with that, and not to be prideful, but i dont think i have THAT many things wrong with me.

they spend ALL of their time together because no one else can bear that same negativity and social awkwardness. i just hope that someday they can come to the realization that being such a downer all the time will get them nowhere.

and thats what ive learned tonight....re-learned. because i learn it every time i'm forced to have some type of serious conversation with them.

be positive! because doing otherwise will be more hurtful than helpful.

and i know..i havent been so happy go lucky the last few days...but at least i try to put on a face before i interact with people. (like my landlord, who probably has just as many problems that she is dealing with like i do)

summer, please come quickly

remember this? this wonderful blue sky and green grass? oh, how i miss it so much. i admit the snow today was beautiful. but after spending about 45 minutes shoveling my drive way and falling completely on my side i'm ready for a new season.

..my emotions are ready for the sun.

i miss seeing crazy plants like this....

and this....

i know, i know it will come....but summer, please come quickly.

i find when i struggle i turn to music to make me feel better. i imagine someone comforting me with the lyrics of certain songs.

this line got me through some pretty tough times a few years ago, "baby dont worry cause now i got your back. and every time you feel like crying, i'm gonna try and make you laugh. and if i cant, if it just hurts too bad, then we will wait for it to pass and i will keep you company through those days so long and black."

...anyway i found myself driving the other day for an hour on my way to work listening to the fray, and being calmed down by a certain song.

i love how music has a different meaning for different times of my life. its just like the scriptures. you can hear one thing over and over and have it mean nothing. but one day, because something in your life has changed that same thing has a completely different meaning to you. ive heard this song many times, but this time it made an impact

heres what i was listening to:

"take a deep breath, take a seat, youre falling apart and tearing at the seams"

i found myself literally taking a deep breath in the car...and thinking..."hold on tight, wait till tomorrow, i'll be alright"

and so thats what im doing.

ive been sitting in my bed for about an hour afraid to turn off the light.... listening to this song.

i'll be holding on tight, waiting for tomorrow...

waiting for the time that i can go to my favorite spot at thanksgiving point marveling at my favorite tulip grateful for such a beautiful world i live in.

i think i'll go exploring tomorrow to take some pictures. so i can find beauty in even this cold season.

sometimes i just feel like crying....

now is one of those times...

im sure i could create a list of reasons why i think i would feel like it, but that would just make it worse.

sometimes i just need a good cry while being held.

i blame the fact that im a girl on why ive been so emotional.

i mean i just watched a wedding video and cried. pathetic right? definitely.

there are a lot of things i want right now, and im really working on getting them. change has never been easy for me but right now its what i need.