change

things are changing. getting better. slowly but surely.

"changing the way you do routine things allows a new person to grow inside of you"

thanks des.

i'm smiling.....

one, two, triple step....

im still here.

ive found something new to take up my time.

my room is a disaster.

a pile of clothes lay in the middle of the floor from taking them off at night and hurrying to hop into bed from pure exhaustion.

something is still missing. but,

this feels good.

foothills

there should be an infomercial about oregon.....

it would say something like this in a raised tone of voice with excitement;

"are you sad and depressed? tired? do you get tired of looking at the same old ugly scenery? then visit the wonderful, scenic oregon! its the marvelous cure all!"

cheesy, i know. but it worked for me!

when i see this, i know im home. this is foothills pear orchard. it looks over all of medford. its my favorite part of the drive.

i spent a whole week at home....and while there i hardly thought about anything that was literally plaguing me before i left. it was nice.

i felt the mist of a waterfall on my face
walked on moss carpet in the nature
went on a walk while the sun set
planted flowers in the dirt
stared at the most beautiful dogwood tree in my front yard
ate the rockefeller pizza at kaleidoscope with my favorite pizza friend
celebrated a birthday
sat in the park on a sunny afternoon just talking about life
visited my best friend and his new beautiful wife at their reception
took pictures of my beautiful sisters

i love my family.
and i love my friend who will just let me talk about life and accepts who i am.
thank you oregon.

ill be back as soon as i can.

pretend

"but behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can do no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." --alma 32:27

love my daddy

i want to be a princess

i didnt get up super early to watch the wedding. but i wish i would have. i have to admit i was a little excited for all of this. it didnt hit til i woke up and came down and turned the tv on.
its just like a fairy tale! she got to marry a prince.

looooove it!

absolutely loved her dress!

i want to be a princess.

with a prince
a gorgeous gown
a ride around town in a horse drawn carriage
and then an exit in an old aston martin.
.....please?

i retreat a little

life is weird.

Heavenly Father really meant it when he said it was a test. its hard.

i have so many things bouncing around in my head i cant think straight.

none of this makes sense but ive got to get it all out.

agency
the Lords timetable
prayer
revelation
relationships
faith
marriage
moving forward
making sure not to settle
love
forgiveness
the atonement
change
becoming a new person
repentance
desire to do good
regrets
potential
the atonement
happiness
desires
family
influences
making decisions not based on influences
forgiveness
agency
revelation
agency

a list. all ive got is a list (thanks to dad, he taught me well)

and an uncontrollably shaky body....

i take it back a little....just hold off for a little bit world...til i get my footing. then bring it on.

dont cry and drive.

today was my first day off (that wasnt the sabbath) in two weeks. in fact i even forgot it was my day off until i was reminded at work that i didnt have to come in the next day.

workaholic? maybe.

feels good to get things done.

finally organized my room a little.
and unpacked my car (which included vacuuming laundry detergent that spilled ALL over the backseat)

went to dinner with the wonderful desiree, and visited every craft store in orem.

today i came to a couple realizations.

1. im alone. 2. im single. and 3. i have no idea what will happen in the next six months. its a weird feeling. im pretty much on my own.

im not sure what exactly im taking from those realizations but im sure ill get back to you.

as long as i keep doing what im supposed to be doing, those things wont be so daunting.

ps a good run makes things better.

sometimes i just have to get out and run away from things as soon as possible to feel better. despite the clubhouse being closed tonight i went out for a jog anyway. i just ran around the block in the cold air like 5 times. im still amazed at how making my heart hurt with exercise makes my heart feel better.

it all was topped off by the most amazing shooting star. that i managed to see at the perfect moment, in the perfect spot. those things remind me that heavenly father is watching over me and wants to remind me of that. and remind me that he loves me.

bring it on world.