inexplicable

inexplicable: incapable of being explained, or accounted for. see lucy's heart.

i feel a lot of things should be left for my own journal today.

but i have all of these feelings and thoughts that that are bottled up inside me and may burst any day. i'm really good at having anxiety.

yesterday i was talking to the sweetest girl i work with. her name is lyidia and she is from ukraine. she really warmed up to me with her big smile when i offered her help when she was really busy. she is the best seamstress around. anyway we were talking about russian and how much i love her accent. (you should have heard her say she got her shirt at ross...it was the cutest thing) i told her i knew a few russian words and told her 'i love you'. she just giggled at me. when i asked her to teach me a new word she said, 'pakah'. ....it means goodbye. i smiled and said it to her as she left...

but the instant she told me it made me sad.

....ironic, isnt it?

i love family

i should really be in bed....

but i want to make sure i share these things..honestly so i dont forget tomorrow when i'm not feeling so hot.

....but you can read too...

im grateful for family. and friends. and honestly i dont have very many friends but im grateful for the ones i have.

im also grateful that the Lord knows me...and puts people in my path during the day to help me remember that. this morning i walked into work and said hi to my manager. she immediately asked me if i was ok. she said i seemed different. seriously? i had literally only been there for 5 seconds before she asked.

i like to pretend im tough and so i usually like to keep things to myself. but the fact that she was so aware of my feelings i decided to spill it. she gave me the biggest longest hug. and boy did it feel good.

ten hours later i spilled my guts to my aunt too. i guess i was a little better at pretending i was tough because she said she wouldnt have had any idea i was having a hard time. ANYway...the point is. im soo so so glad that i have family close now. i know its weird, but its like they just appeared (even though theyve been here all along). you see i say i work with my aunt...but shes my great aunt. and we have never been super close other than our family reunions every other year. and now....now i have this GREAT blessing of not only having one more person i know loves me...but to have that person at work. it makes a HUGE difference.

sometimes you just need a hug. and having new (old) family close by is a good source of that.

then i got to come over to my bestest friends house who was willing to let me stay the night and tell her about my day. AND she knows i needed a pick me up and greeted me with TWO princess presents. how awesome is she?

im grateful that the Lord knows what i need. and has helped me recognize friends to do creative things with, family who gives me hugs, and more friends who offer a place to stay when i REALLY dont feel like going home to my depressing apartment. and even though i have struggled a lot today... he has put a few things here and there to help me remember life isnt so crappy.

a much needed day out

isnt she hot? des was nice enough to take pictures of me today....and i returned the favor....just not as amazingly awesome as she did! holy smokes she is good.

sorry des, i couldnt resist. i wanted to share. thank you so much for today! lets do it again soon....please.

i hurt

i was going to write a cute post about how awesome my day was... (with pictures i took just for this and everything)

...but now i cant function.

my body hates me...

and sleep is the only thing i know to make it go away for a little bit.

mister birdie

i heard a bird chirping outside my window this morning.

he helped me get out of my bed to look forward to the day.

better than looking out the window and seeing an inch of snow like yesterday.

thank you mister birdie.

check out this little gem

i know i suck at taking quality pictures of myself....but i would feel weird to say i will work on it....

this is my new dress.

originally: $80

i paid: $12 (with tax)

i tried this on and loved it. yet, i was still too cheap to buy it assuming it was 3o bucks. but as i was on my way out the girl helping me yelled and said, 'wait no, dont leave! i'll check the price!' and sure enough..it was a deal. so i took it!

i think i could do some seriously awesome dancing in this dress. but it also works for a crazy saturday at the dress shop.

taught gospel doctrine today. it went really well. my class learned a lot of dorky things about me including:

1. an old guy complimenting me on valentines made me all excited

2. i like watching people at disneyland and trying to point out anybody who's lds.

3. i REALLY like food. so when i think about hungering and thirsting after righteousness i can really relate and want to make sure that i'm as satisfied with reading my scriptures as i am eating a delicious piece of filet mignon.

i spent some time doing a make over on the blog....what cha think? i'm kind of proud of myself.

day of love

i tend to not have the best attitude toward valentines day.

it started back in high school when zannie and i would give each other dead roses against the holiday.

but this year i told myself i wouldnt be such a downer.

so i wore red high heels to work and felt kinda sexy.

best part was when an older guy came into work looking for the owner (my aunt). when i told him she wasnt there he started joking about how she is lucky to have such a good job. so i joked back...

then he started to walk out and i asked if he wanted me to leave her a message....and then said 'who are you anyway?' i admit...i got a little cheeky back at him.

so he was on his way out when he walked all the way back to me and put his hand on my arm and said "i just have to tell you, have have a bright countenance. i can see your light. you must be doing something wonderful to be so bright"

...sweet right? what a great valentines day present from a sweet stranger.

so from then on out i decided to make sure to project love instead of getting depressed in not receiving it exactly how i want it. so i called every member of my family today....

arent they cute?

it was fun.

then i enjoyed a nice dinner out.

i hope everyone knows how much i care about them. friends and family.

thank you for making valentines day a good one.

im in a cool club

you probably don't know this but i'm in a club. a cool one. its one of those clubs that nod to each other when you see someone else in that club. today i was taking pictures of this:

and this

when i was bombarded by four cars in the middle of nowhere. it was a family about to go out for a walk on this unusually warm day in february. at first i didnt know what to do. i asked if they wanted me to move and they said i was ok. they were very friendly. then one of the ladies came up to talk to me. she commented on how beautiful the scenery was. i started to get in my car and she exclaimed not for me to go! so i stayed a little longer and took a few more pictures. they felt bad for interrupting my alone time.... then the next thingi know i was recognized by a club member.

..he pulled out his cannon slr after seeing mine and approached me. he asked me to take a picture of his family. i gladly agreed!

you see for some odd reason people who dont own slr's are incapable of using them. i'm not sure what is so confusing about them. but after having one and asking random people on the street to take pictures of me i see that the general public tends to be clueless (ok unless they're from an older generation and ask 'oh is this the shutter button?'). so when you see someone else with one its kind of a relief. i was honored to take a picture of this family. and to understand when he said...sorry i only have my telephoto lens i knew i had to be a bajillion miles away to actually capture his huge family in the frame.

dont get me wrong. i'm not a professional. nor do i claim to be close to one. i just pretend and enjoy doing what i know. i want to be better! in fact i just paid for a photography skill session. but i do feel cool. its true.

as i was leaving my spot i passed a handful of people on the side of the road. it was a guy taking portraits of a girl with his reflector. (i guess its a good spot when 3 nice cameras can be found) he waved and nodded as he saw me drive by.

i admit...it brought a smile to my face.

so i proceeded to take these...

remember this guy? he's real cute. how can your resist that cow face!?

on a side note. i'm grateful that the lord is thoughtful and considerate. both my visiting teachers and home teachers came over today. my first meeting was extremely awkward. my second meeting was exponentially better. i'm grateful that my heavenly father knows me. and knows that i need certain personalities to help me open up and feel good about them coming to share a message. its weird how that made such an impact on the spirit i felt.

im laying in bed afraid to come out of my room.....

our landlord said that a guy would be by to check the furnace this morning between 8 and 9. and that she would be back with someone eventually to put up curtains in our living room window.

...i heard a knock about 20 minutes ago and now i hear people putting up curtains.

....im hearing a guy talking and a drill...

but now the drill is on the other side of my wall....which has no window on it. im confused. and afraid to go out and shower....

hmph!

after completely stuffing myself with disgusting fast food i've decided to curl up on my bed and watch a little 30 rock. i think i can feel my heart working harder after all that icky stuff.... but it sure did taste yummy. cute right? ...not so much.

...i worked two whole hours tonight. all the money i made went toward my gross dinner.

but i did feel successful today...

this morning i laid on the floor staring at the ceiling for about twenty minutes asking heavenly father to help me feel motivated to do something today.

i eventually got up and headed out to find dress pants for work. i know, it doesnt sound super productive but oddly i had to put a lot of work into it! i tried on tons of pants!

finally i walked away with TWO pair! costing me only 40 bucks! (thank you jc penny!)

that was it. thats all it took. i walked away feeling good about my day. silly i know...but the little things are a bigger deal now.

like i went to institute last night.....

...im grateful heavenly father is patient with me. and is allowing me to rely on him.

i need a kitty...

i dont say that just because i really really want one. i actually think i need one.

my kitty peewee from home

i need someone to come home to who loves me no matter what! and who will always love me. and will snuggle with me when i go to bed.....

the next place i live....i WILL have a kitten.....

anyway...i have this bad habit of...daydreaming up these situations that i want to happen. ive done it ever since i can remember. birthdays and valentines day tend to be my worst. i would think....maybe the guy i like will bring me a dozen roses, or maybe i'll come home to a cutely decorated room, or get swept off my feet and taken to a special romantic dinner.

i still do it.

when im sick or upset i hope that someone will come over randomly because they know i need to be taken care of.

but when i do this....i set myself up for disappointment.

i did it today. i laid in bed sick and upset with the door cracked hoping i wouldnt be laying there alone for very much longer. i could have sworn i heard him drive by twice today.... but i was probably just making myself anxious for my possible daydream to come true.

i cant do this anymore. how do i stop it? i refuse to do it on valentines day this year. it'll just another day that i'll spend working and then come home and enjoy a movie on my own. i may splurge by buying myself some flowers but i really dont want to disappoint myself again.

seriously....i have an issue. i'm sitting here thinking...maybe someone will surprise me with a kitten....

nope....they wont....haha.

oh lucy.....get yourself together here!